


I Hope You Find What You're Looking For

by fandomlimb



Category: SKAM (Norway), SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst to Fluff is a legit genre right?, F/F, Season 1, alternative ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-15
Updated: 2017-08-15
Packaged: 2018-12-15 12:38:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,610
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11806158
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomlimb/pseuds/fandomlimb
Summary: For Skam Fic Week - Day 1 - Fake Dating prompt.A Season 1 AU where things end up a little differently at the Halloween party.





	I Hope You Find What You're Looking For

**Author's Note:**

> Title reference is a lyric in the song "Shine" by Benjamin Francis Leftwich.

Eva shouldn’t have hit send.

The second she did her stomach dropped and her heart flew into panic mode but it was too late to change it now. The words she’d sent—FUCK YOU—stared back up at her in their little blue bubble. Her words weren’t going anywhere; she couldn’t will them to disappear like she wished she could. She looked up at Jonas from across the courtyard. His face was twisted and crestfallen and unfamiliar in its pain and disgust. He gave her one long, cold glare before storming off on his skateboard, leaving a very confused Isak and Julian behind him.

She wanted to run after him, to apologize. But she didn’t. She’d texted him exactly what she was really feeling in the moment, no filters, no smiling because he told her to smile, and if he couldn’t handle that than maybe they were better off apart after all. Even though the thought of them breaking up made the panic rise like bile from her belly and up into her throat, she willed herself to stay where she was, to not run after him and try to kiss him and make it better. Because it wasn’t her fault.

Fuck him for lying and keeping things from her. Fuck him for making her feel small and paranoid. Fuck this feeling of uncertainty and guilt and near nausea. Fuck herself for loving him so much that she couldn’t tell the difference between “Eva” and “JonasAndEva”, all one word, their names and identities conjoined like Siamese twins.

Isak looked at her, face scrunched, and mouthed “What the fuck?” before running after Jonas.

Noora touched her shoulder, startling her. “Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I just. Jonas and I are fighting. I just told him to fuck himself. I think we might be breaking up.” The words hitched in her throat but she told herself not to cry.

Vilde put her arm around her and said, “Oh my god Eva! Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I’m fine, things have been going to shit with us for a while now. I think it might be for the best.”

Noora and Vilde both hugged her and she felt a little less like her world was crashing and burning right in front of her eyes.

“Thanks. I love you guys.”

Then Chris and his posse of Penetrator friends sauntered by. The girls straightened up out of their group hug.

“Halla, sorry to interrupt,” he said with a suggestive eyebrow raise. What a creep. “Are you coming to our Halloween party?”

Vilde piped in right away. “Of course we’re coming.”

“Good. We’ll talk.” Chris gave Eva a lingering stare and headed off to class.

* * *

  
After school, at the bus stop, surrounded by the deafening whir of traffic that sounded to Eva as loud as ocean waves crashing against the shore of her tired brain, “JonasAndEva” officially became “Eva”. She was alone. Twinless. Heartbroken.

She cried herself to sleep that night.

She cried in the bathroom between classes the next day at school and left early after two periods.

She cried alone in her room, in her empty house, because her mother was away again.

She cried in the bath and felt like she could fill the bathtub up with her tears and drown in them.

She forged a note from her mother so she could skip school the next day.

She stayed in her pajamas all day and watched day time talk shows and reality TV and felt totally, utterly empty. Lost at sea. Brain full of static.

She thought she’d run through all her tears the day before, but it turns out tears are not a limited resource. She had a whole body’s worth of water and salt and memories to draw them out.

The last words Jonas had said to her kept twisting around in her brain. "I just hope you find what you're looking for, Eva. Because it's obviously not us."

She cried and cried until she heard Noora tap on her bedroom window. Noora could have easily come in through the front door, but she liked using the ground floor window instead. Eva smiled for the first time in two days.

They didn’t talk much, but Noora held Eva and stroked her hair while Eva cried. They fell asleep together in Eva’s bed, limbs entwined, while Noora whispered to Eva to just keep breathing, that it would be alright. And Eva, amazingly, believed her.

* * *

   
The girls were basically forcing Eva out of the house and to the Penetrators Halloween Party. They were all in her room, getting ready for the Halloween party together. Eva was still in her pajamas.

“It’s for your own good,” Sana said. “We’ve given you a few days to grieve and now we are in full intervention mode.”

“I feel like shit. I haven’t washed my hair for days. I don’t know if being around all those Penetrator guys will make me feel better or worse.”

“Listen, we all know that Chris is into you, he’s not exactly subtle about it,” Sana continued, while rifling through Eva’s wardrobe looking for a possible impromptu Halloween costume for her. “We know how much Jonas meant to you. But the quicker you rebound, the less time you’ll spend wallowing over him.”

“Hello, I’m allowed to wallow! And what if I’m not the rebound type?”

“Everyone on this planet is the rebound type.”

Noora, who was dressed in the most adorably obscure and frumpy costume Eva had ever seen, gave Sana a withering look and put her hand on Eva’s arm. “We just want you to have a little fun tonight and get out of the house. You don’t have to hook up with Chris if it doesn’t feel right, obviously.”

“And doesn’t he have a girlfriend?” Vilde asked.

“Like that’s ever stopped him before,” Noora said with distaste.

“Fuckboys be fuckboying. How do I look?” Chris B. said and twirled around to show everyone the full effect of her homemade flour sack costume.

“Your costume makes me want to stay home and make cookies. Doesn’t that sound like more fun than going to the party?”

“Party now, cookies later,” Sana said, tossing an old tutu and leotard from her closet at her. “You’re going to the party. End of story.”

* * *

  
She knew the minute she stepped into the party that it was a mistake to have come. The music was too loud. The room was too hot. Everyone was already drunk. And to top it all off, Ingrid and her crew of Pepsi Max evil clones were also there, eyeing Eva and her friends like they were freaks. Eva felt sick just looking at them. She also realized that the whole fun of flirting with Chris had been to make Jonas jealous and now that she and Jonas were over, the way Chris’ eyes proprietarily leered at her from across the room made her skin crawl.

She grabbed Noora’s arms and said, “Please don’t leave my side. I’ll either get eye-fucked by Chris all night or killed by death glares from Ingrid.”

“Okay, I won’t leave you.” Noora laughed as Eva unthinkingly pulled Noora even closer and the fronts of their bodies pressed up against each other in a way that sent a wave of warmth through Eva’s tummy. She remembered how nice it had felt to sleep in Noora’s arms, how much easier it was to breathe and think straight around her.

“I have a crazy idea,” Eva said. “You can totally stop me if this is too weird. But can we pretend we’re, like, _a thing_ tonight? I really don’t want Chris to think that I’m into him anymore. He sort of weirds me out a little.”

“ _A thing_?”

“You know…like we’re dating? Hooking up, girlfriends, whatever." Noora's eyes got wide and Eva back-pedaled. "I mean, we don’t have to actually hook up or anything, obviously, that would just be weird. But can you, like, dance with me and maybe hold my hand?”

Noora looked into Eva’s eyes and Eva felt like she was diving into a deep pool. Eva felt nervous all of a sudden, like she’d just said something really stupid and Noora was going to laugh at her for even suggesting it. But to Eva’s surprise, Noora took Eva’s hand in her own and said, “Anything for you, my dear.”

Noora got Eva a drink and they curled up together on a couch to watch dancing and festivities unfold around them, their fingers entwined together in Noora’s lap. Sana and Vilde and Chris tried coaxing them onto the dance floor but Eva was happy where she was. They had to lean in close to each other’s ears to talk/shout above the noise of the music and Eva was surprised by the goosebumps that erupted down her arm when she felt Noora’s breath like a tickle on her ear and neck. She felt cozy, almost like the whole party had melted away around them. She was happy she came. When Eva felt Chris’ eyes lingering on her she’d rub Noora’s nose or play with her hair, hoping he’d get the signal and back off.

Then Noora got a cell phone call from her mother. She had to take it. “Will you be okay here? This will just take a second. My parents never call just to talk, they probably just need something. I’ll be right back.”

Almost just as soon as Noora was out of the room, Chris plopped down next to Eva on the couch. Their thighs brushed and Eva scooted a few inches over. Eva looked at him. He was dressed as a minimalist vampire, in a black t-shirt and jeans, with smudgy black eyeliner and a few smears of fake blood on his face. He looked undeniably attractive, pretty even, in an androgynous glam rock star way. Eva liked how the eyeliner made him appear more feminine and sexy than he normally did. She’d never really entertained seriously the idea of kissing him, his personality being what it was. But she couldn’t deny that he had an allure.

“So…you and your blond friend…?”

“Noora.”

“Noora, right. You two seem like you’ve gotten really…close.”

“Yeah, um, I recently broke up with Jonas, my boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Noora’s really been there for me this week.”

“You two are cute together.”

“Um…thanks.”

“I didn’t know you were…like that.”

Eva’s cheeks flushed to a burn and she gave Chris the iciest look she could muster without betraying her racing heart.

“Like what?”

“You know…”

“No really, please, elaborate. What didn’t you know I’m like?”

“You know what, never mind.”

“A lesbian? Is that what you were about to say?”

“Well, since the whole reason we haven’t hooked up yet was because you had a boyfriend, I just thought it was safe to assume you weren’t into chicks. But if you are hey, that’s cool.” He put his hands up in a surrendering gesture. “So, is that something I can get in on?”

Eva clenched her jaw so hard she felt like she might grind her teeth to dust. “I hate to break it to you, Chris, but the reason we haven’t hooked up has nothing to do with if I had a boyfriend or not. And I wouldn’t let you close to Noora with a ten foot pole. Creep.”

Eva got up and left him on the couch, mouth agape.

* * *

  
Eva told Sana, Chris and Vilde—who were still on the dance floor—that she was feeling tired and sick and wanted to go home early. They gave her a big hug and made plans to meet up at her house again later, after the party was done, if she needed company.

She looked around for Noora, but she wasn’t anywhere inside.

She went out onto the front porch and the knot in her stomach unclenched when she saw the familiar sight of the back of Noora’s telltale blond hair. She was sitting on the front step. Eva sat down next to her and saw immediately that something was wrong. She wasn’t on the phone any more and she’d taken off her costume glasses. She was rubbing her eyes.

Eva’s arm went immediately around her friend’s shoulder. “Noora, you okay? What happened? What’s wrong?”

Noora shook her head a few times and her chin crumpled and she covered her face with her hands. It nearly broke Eva’s heart on the spot. She’d never seen a crack in Noora’s façade like this and Eva wanted to scoop her up in her arms and rock her, like her mother used to do when she had bad dreams.

“Hey, hey. Just breathe, okay? Breathe with me.”

Noora leaned into Eva’s shoulder and Eva wrapped her arms around her, while they breathed together, in sync.

When Noora was done crying, she sat up and wiped her face. She took a few breaths and tried to compose herself.

“I’m sorry. Thank you. It’s…that was my mom. She was just calling to tell me my parents are getting a divorce.”

“Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”

Noora never talked about her parents, and Eva had no idea what their relationship was like, so Eva didn’t know what to do with this news except comfort her friend. She put her hand on Noora’s knee and rubbed it.

“I don’t know why the news hit me like it did. I mean, I haven’t lived with them for years. I know they don’t love me.”

“What do you mean they don’t love you?”

“I’ve always been an after thought. I knew I was a mistake. But I just thought the reason was because they were too obsessed with each other that they didn’t have room for me. And I was fine with that. But now…”

Noora’s face crumpled again and Eva couldn’t stand it.

Eva touched Noora’s cheek, her incredibly smooth skin, fine like silk. She lifted Noora’s chin so their eyes could meet.

“I know what it’s like when your parents split up. It’s never easy. I’m here for you, okay? But I just want you to know that what you just said…about your parents not loving you…that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve never met anyone quite like you before. You’re the easiest person to love probably on the entire planet.”

Noora was crying again, a hiccup-y cry, but Eva’s words made her smile and Eva felt like she’d said the right thing for the first time in forever. Jonas never made her feel like she was ever saying the right thing, she got so easily tripped up and confused. This feeling with Noora, of wanting to protect her and cherish her and let her know how perfect she was in Eva’s eyes, this was a new feeling that struck her almost like lightening.

Eva said, “If I was really your girlfriend tonight, you know what I’d do?”

“What?”

“I’d kiss you and make it better. I’d never let go of you. Can I?”

“Can you what?” Noora whispered.

“Kiss you.”

Noora nodded.

Eva’s heart was clamoring but she felt steadier than she had in ages as she leaned in and brought her lips to Noora’s.

Though night had fallen and the October air was chilly, Eva felt warm from the tip of each hair down to the laces of her ballet slippers.

“I could get used to this whole not really dating thing,” Eva said breathlessly after they’d spent several blissful minutes exploring each other’s lips and skin.

“Who says it can’t be real?”

Eva smiled. “It feels pretty real to me.”

“Me too.”


End file.
